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[ DielusioNz ]
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8th November 2005 10:30am
It's been a while since I put a meaningful and true entry in this journal. My life is a hell of a lot different than it was when I was putting posts in this journal on a regular basis. For now I will just leave this entry so that the people who are still interested in reading about my weird life can keep their eyes open. I will update again later today or tomorrow with a huge update on the way things are now. Until then,adios and I hope any of my old friends on here are still my friends. Peace.
mood   //    anxious
erase your mind?
Catching up.
19th June 2005 10:04pm
It's been a while since I have written in this thing. As a matter of fact I almost forgot it existed. A lot of things have happened and are still happing in my life since I last wrote with any conviction. People have left me,people have come into my life. People have changed for better,and some for worse. It's all things that I cannot control,but rather hope to affect. I try to think of myself as a good person and a loving person,but lately I feel as if I have become detached. I feel rage alot more than I used to,almost everyday. That perturbs me slightly. I feel like I spent so much of my life worrying about what other people thought of me,and not enough time worrying about what was best for me. I wonder sometimes if people respect me,or laugh at me behind my back. Am I a joke? And if I am,what should I do about it. At 6'3 and 280 pounds I should never have to worry about some joker getting in my face. I am not a violent man by any means,but I find myself not being able to speak up to anybody,big or small. The other day a man on the job I was working at started giving me shit about the fact that I asked him to move his car so we could pull some trucks in. This guy was extremely rude and I couldn't handle him. I almost shut down. Why is that? I should have no second thoughts about standing up for myself,correct? What if someday I need to stand up and do something drastic? Will I be up to it? Or am I too damn nice to fight back. At this point in time I have no idea. The doctor says my blood pressure has been rising to the point where they are worried I am too stressed out. What is that shit? My Mother always decribed me as a kid who even if you killed my dog I would still forgive you instantly. That everything that would set a normal person off just rolls off of me. My friends say they could never have a quarrel with me. They just couldn't envision it. Not that I want to have a fight with my friends,but it just reaffirms what I am saying. Would I be there in a bar fight for them? If someone I loved was being attacked could I come to their aid? I dunno. But I do know I have been having dreams. Weird ones. One moment I am dreaming of a friend in a fight and he is losing,so I step in and plant this guy's ass on the ground,and it feels oh so good. Then I am dreaming of horrible things. I killed someone I love in one perticular dream. Not in a pretty manner either. What does that mean? I am not sure. Whatever this all means,I cannot put a finger on it. The only thing I can put a finger on is whether or not I am happy,and right now I am not sure if I am. I have my friends and family,and a sort of love interest,but what else is there. Something is missing and something isn't right. My life has never been easy. Some people have no idea,some know all about it. Pain and anguish and are no strangers to me,but then again neither is happiness. I just seem to be stuck in a rut in which I have no idea if it's the correct rut to be in. But i'll tell you one thing,it doesn't feel right. Something needs to change. Question is,what?
mood   //    blank
erase your mind?
13th August 2004 3:29pm
I'm touching it,
But I don't feel it.
I'm looking at it,
but I can't see it.
So many things,
seem so distant
Its like the feeling of being up close,
but being a thousand miles away.
It's getting to me,
this transparent situation...
Seeing right through things,
and seeing how fake and empty they are.
I wish I wasn't so clairvoyent,
I wish I was more....real.
Take all the feelings you feel in a second.
A minute.
An hour.
A day.
A week.
A month.
A year.
A lifetime.
An eternity.
Imagine you couldn't feel them.
Think of what you would be.
Imagine they all never existed.
They were figments of a tired and uninspired imagination.
What would you do then?
What would I do then?

It's been a while..
mood   //    calm
4 erased minds|+|erase your mind?
I cant think of a title..
29th December 2003 11:51pm

I wish it didnt have to be this way,but hopefully you aren't suffering any longer.
I love you,I miss you and rest in peace.

Forever loving,

Your son Evan.

I wish I could say more,but its too hard to right now.
1 erased mind|+|erase your mind?
Reminder Wall
1st December 2003 10:02pm
""As I walk through this alley of dismay, I think to myself.
I think "How did this life become me?"
I think as I walk about the mistakes I have made.
I see the walls to the left and to the right of me.
Every brick a different moment in my life.
Some happy,some warm and inviting.
Some devastating.
I see the times where I made the wrong choices.
I see things that confound me beyond spoken word.
Each brick shows a day passed by that I let slip into the void of monotony.
I see the lessons I have learned.
Lessons about love and life.Hate and death.
If only I could have the power to reach out to the wall and remove all the negative bricks.
But that is not possible.
Timelines have been etched into my existence.
Every tiny little piece of stone that has fallen from the bricks is a second of my life.
A second I can not change.
But as these walls form around me,I come to a realization.
These walls are not here to restrict me,or to remind me of my mistakes.
They are here to make me stronger.
To shut out the world of hurt awaiting on the outside.
A safety bunker if you will.
One brink,one experience,one lesson learned.
A lifetime of lessons.And a resistence to adversity.
My own personal reminder wall.""
mood   //    blah
1 erased mind|+|erase your mind?
1st October 2003 12:54am
I am a human being and that is all...here to serve a single purpose,and that's to live....and when all is said and done, the only person that matters is myself,and I will not be hurt by meddlers,hate,love,envy,or greed.....you can shake my hand,but i am not there...invincible to whatever hurt you try to bring upon me.

mood   //    cold
1 erased mind|+|erase your mind?
29th September 2003 12:18pm
Open me up
Let my demons out

Four thousand times I have felt this way
Leaning on others because of you
Again and again you do this to me
You change the story, but I remember every word you say

Open my chest
Let my spirit fly

I usually sit,and just stare
At a wall,at the floor, or at your photo
No one knows I am there
When I am outside your window

But this time it will be different
I cant be the quiet one anymore
I wont be left behind
You will feel me,all the way to your core

Open up my body
you can feel around too
Open your mind
Or i'll do it for you

Start over,start from the beginning
The times you hurt me
I cant forget them
The times have changed
but its all the same
You're still cold as ice
And you'll never treat me better
Its better to end it all
And I can help you do that
mood   //    awake
erase your mind?
A dedication to someone in my life
25th September 2003 11:00am
You're the one who
You're the one who steals the life from
I'm the one who feels the falling
I believe you're nothing but a problem
Everything is so fake
You're just a motherfucking sight to see
And time will block the vision
Life with you is so vague
It's like I'm living in a dream

I have wondered why this always happens
Everything just falls away
Soon you'll be the one who is forgotten
It's so close but it's so far away

You're the one who
You're in disbelief of what you
Thought you could achieve or try to
Once I thought this life was never ending
Must've been my mistake
You're just a motherfucking accident
Offending yet amusing
I should have known that you
And your intensions weren't for me

You're the one who fed the violence
I'm the one who broke the silence
I will sew the hole you left inside me
Leaving you in the past
I will release

Soon you'll be the one who is forgotten

My feelings always seem to be pushed aside,like "oh he will always be there,so I'll do whatever I want and not worry about it" Well I am sick of being the little doggy who follows nothing but his feelings and always gets hurt because of it. Stone cold. I will now be stone cold.....And now you will be the afterthought,the consolation prize,and the one who is forgotten. I am through with feelings for you.
mood   //    aggravated
erase your mind?
[ A Few Lines ]
23rd August 2003 1:28pm
Even the ghost of your emotions ignore me
Moderation of despair hurts more
There's no easy one-two step to happiness
Squeeze the air from my lungs...I am done.
mood   //    angry
1 erased mind|+|erase your mind?
[ Long overdue update ]
20th August 2003 3:42pm
It has been waaaay too long since i updated this thing....I havent had much time or energy to mess with LiveJournal,but here goes....Hmm, Charly is back, and thats a good thing. She is doing awesome and is safe and sound. Huge party for her on Saturday if everyone didnt know.Ummm...I still dont have a steady job, but I am still collecting unemployment,but thats okay. I am DEFINITELY going to school as soon as i have no debt left,then I hopefully wont have to worry about debt period. I have a swimfan.....she im's me, calls me, bugs the hell outta me... I cant sign on and leave an away message up without getting 28 im's from her...The messed up thing is she is married...Hate to be that guy,not meeting your wifes needs...She sent me porn videos of herself playing with her genitals and teeets...okay, thats cool...hahah...but still,move on lady,you are married. My sister is getting married, which is cool. I never thought i would be excited about it,but I am. Joe is an awesome guy and treats her and Nathan well. I wish them the best. Dave is in a band again,which is cool. We saw them at Bills Bar in Boston last week. They did good,but its not Dave's type of band. I can tell he wants to just wail on the drums but the music the band plays is too slow and soft for his needs. But you know,playing is playing right? Paula and I barely talk anymore,I wanted to be friends but she is making it impossible by not EVER being allowed by her new BF to see me....Exactly what I said was gonna happen,but oh well.She denied it would be like this,so I guess she is a liar....or just confused...but either way, its waaay over and nothing can change that...Sometimes I get the feeling that if I didnt owe her some money she wouldnt even call me. Granted I dont really call her, but why should I? Its too painful sometimes....It wasnt fair what happened,what I said about what I felt and what I promised was just shrugged off because someone else better than me came along...Horseshit...Anyways,thats about it, I will try and update more ofetn but I cant promise I will....Lata
mood   //    cynical
erase your mind?
[ Future Imperfect ]
12th July 2003 12:00pm
Control with a sense animosity,
Human nature working towards the ultimate destruction,
Flesh and steel,blood and oil,
Combining as one for the greater cause,
Puncture the surface,
Feel the pressure,
Skin breaks,
Steel wins.

Close yourself from fear,
Learn to be unafraid,
Take your children to a safer place,
Take them home,
Give them back to god,
Give them recluse from this war.

Be,be born,
Breathe,walk,and live,
Take,take what you need,
Survive,learn,and cry,
Accept,accept the world,
famine,fear and death.
Bleed,bleed for me
The war,the cause,
Bleed for the feeling

Bleed or die.

The world you know is dead,
Don't try to pry the nails from your hands,
The pictures have been taken,
The books have been written,
It is over,the war is over,
Brainwaves and emotion are gone.
A.I. is the new god.

You are property....you are an expendible being.
You have an owner...Steel,wire,oil,and processors.
Machines own the day.....Machines own you.

Reflections in the skies.
mood   //    lazy
1 erased mind|+|erase your mind?
10th July 2003 4:35pm
Being sick sucks....Thank god I am pretty much over it.....I went and saw T3 yesterday,It was so good....definitely one of the best movies so far this summer. I had to ass out on the cookout and Summer Sanitarium because I was so sick....kinda blew,and I miss out on Metallica,but I will see them someday...I must see them before I die,and since that could be soon,I must see them....er,soon

I saw The Hulk a few weeks ago,that was cool too....Now that I think of it there has been some pretty good movies out lately....real good movies.I wanna see The League Of Extrodinary Gentleman also, that looks cool with Dr.Jekkyl,The invisible man,Dracula's wife,etc..Plus Sean Connery is the man.

Once again it is a miracle that I have an A.C..... It's a life saver...The best part is that I can keep my windows shut and keep that horrid freshly cut grass smell outta my room,you know,the smell that causes me so much shit? Makes me sick and destroys my allergies? Yah,allergies blow....don't get em'.

aaaaaaaand.....I'm out.
mood   //    lonely
1 erased mind|+|erase your mind?
9th July 2003 11:44am
A few days ago I was so hot.Then I bought an air conditioner,and now I am so cool....So that makes me so hot and so cool....no wonder the ladies love me. Booyaah!
mood   //    horny
3 erased minds|+|erase your mind?
[ What an update ]
30th June 2003 7:20pm
This is a shameless pimping of my new community, theendzone..Its a Football sports reporting community...Go there and join if you wanna talk football or be an editor for a team (cept for the Pats,me and Jon already snatched up the responsibilities).

Happy Deathday!
Your name:dielusionz
You will die on:Wednesday, March 3, 2021
You will die of:Skin Cancer
Created by Quill

Happy Deathday!
You will die on:Wednesday, July 1, 2037
You will die of:Sexually Transmitted Disease
Created by Quill

Great....Skin Cancer....funny how I die of a sexually transmitted disease if I capitalize my name.
This coming weekend should be a blast...Big party in Franklin at James' uncles house...His house is pimpin'....swimming pool,big yard,so much beer...damn I am gonna drown I know it....I have a chance to go to the summer sanitarium tour,but I dont have the 85 bucks to go...Or let me rephrase that, I have the money,but shouldnt spend it on myself,I owe too many bills and to much money to other people that I would look like a dick if I went. Tell ya one thing tho, at one point in my life I let someone dictate who I hung out with...Now the same thing is happening to me,someone is dictating who can hang with me and it sucks...Sorry to anyone who was left in the dust when I let that happen to them,especially Charly,I know how it feels now and it sucks...Me sorry :0)...Ok, gotta go...PEACE.
mood   //    crazy
erase your mind?
[ wooooord ]
18th June 2003 5:29pm
I havent updated in a while, so here i go.


Yah that was gay.

So you ever randomly stop and think about someone you havent seen in a long time,and the more you think about them the more you miss them? Sucks.
My father got the paving machine to complete his little arsenal of construction machines and vehicles. So that means he is going into buisness soon and yours truly will be the first employee. I am gonna get paid 18 under the table,and continue to collect unemployment...yeah I am a rebel.....A rebel that will be making like 750 bucks a week! hahhahahha....Fuck you Government!!!

Other than that my life has been slowly moving along,with little excitment during the week,and lots of blurry memories on the weekends.

Charly,gimme a call ok? If you can. I feel so bad I missed your last call. I was trying to avoid my Mom and you called in with a blocked number 2 minutes after she called and I thought you were her trying to trick me....my bad. Call me!!! it'd bc cool to hear your voice ::0).
mood   //    cynical
9 erased minds|+|erase your mind?
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